Miracles (continued)

When I came home from my trip I discussed my feelings of feeling sad and empty again with Bart, and it confirmed to both of us that we needed some answers.  Not a week later I received and email from my good friend Jodi.  She is my friend who has moved from state to state with us since we have been in the military (until recently).  

      *Jodi is my sister from another mister.  She is absolutely the opposite of me and I love her so much for it.  She's also my dear friend who offered to surrogate for us just after we miscarried from the IVF treatments a few years ago.  Jodi is oppinionated and isn't afraid to speak her voice.  She also has been vocal enough to tell me a few times that it's not okay for me to be fine with not having children.... I brushed those oppinions off. *

In this email that Jodi sent me, she expressed to me her heartfelt feelings, not her "Jodi oppinion" about how I would make a good mother and she just can't believe I am suppose to go on in this life without any of my own.  And she also reopened her offer to surrogate for us.

I read this email to Bart, and for the first time in a long time I saw him get a glimmer of hope and emotional about having children.  It surprised me that he was even truly willing to consider surrogacy!  He also told me that if he could be okay with anyone carrying our baby, he would want it to be Jodi.  So I called her.  We had a discussion and cry fest, and we picked a date a few weeks away for all four of us to pray and fast together if this is something we are to seriously do.

My reservations were enormous!  After all of the fertility hormones and shots and frustration I had been through on my own, I was nervous about having to put Jodi and her husband through any form of that at all to carry our baby.  And then for her to carry my baby for nine whole months!  And then to deliver it without the benefits of getting to hold and love it every day!!!  I couldn't even imagine what she would have to go through, and I wondered if she was really up for all of that.  THEN I started to think the worst... Here is my best friend, going through all the pain and suffering I've been through to get pregnant.  She's already emotionally invested in our situation, but now if the pregnancy doesn't last and we miscarry again, what would that put her through?  I know how I felt when I miscarried, and with her "over-confidence" that she could easily carry our baby, but then lost it- ugh, it made me sick with worry what that could do to her!  For that fear alone, I didn't want to do it.  But we still had a date to fast and pray for it.  Who knew what The Lord would guide us to do.

That whole week prior to our fast date, I was an emotional basket case!  I mean, I litterally cried at everything!  I told Bart I felt like I was cutting my heart open again just to see if I could reattatch it!  What were we thinking?  Why were we doing this again?  Did we really forget how painful all of this is?  I don't want to go through the pain of loosing that hope and faith agian.  I was perfectly content with my decision just months ago!  Why, Why, Why are we doing this again???

Nevertheless; during our fast that Sunday all I could think about was how we would make this surrogacy work.  She has four kids at home, so I would want to be there where she lives as often as I could.  But would she come here for the procedure and delivery?  Oh my gosh, I could have a baby!!  My heart was really starting to warm with the idea that this could really be our answer!  When we got home from church and I asked Bart what his feelings were about any of it, his reply was disappointing to say the least.  He said he felt like we just needed to go see some specialists to get some answers.  I wanted to throw something at him!  All of these tears and heartache and hope built up about Jodi being a surrogate and us possibly having a baby within the year, and he wants me to go through more tests?????  Now, looking back, I can see how this was more logical, but at the time it was really dramatic for me!  When we talked to Jodi and her husband, they were supportive and felt good about whatever decision we made.  

That evening we were making dinner for the missionaries.  Spaghetti and meatballs.  I started not feeling well, light headed and nauseus.  When they showed up I almost had everything ready, just a few preparations when I started having so much pain in my abdominal area I had to sit and couldn't stand up!  I told Bart to just go ahead and get everything on the table to eat, and I was going to lay down for a bit.  As I stood up from the floor I felt more pain and more dizzy, but I made it to the bedroom just in time to pass out.  When I came to, I crawled in bed and slept for what felt like hours, but the boys were still in the kitchen when I woke up.  It had only been twenty minutes, and I litterally felt fine!  I wondered if I maybe had an ovarian cyst rupture or something.  I couldn't imagine what else it could be!  So, I guessed that was a good start to finding what was wrong with me all the way around.  I called the next day to get in to see a doctor.  I had to go to a family practice first to get the referral to see a fertility specialist anyway.  My appointment was three weeks away.  

When my appointment was approaching, I realized I should be starting my period any day.  I was already starting to feel bloated and crampy and uncomfortable.   I called the doctors office to let them know I would more than likely be on my period, and would they want to reschedule me, but they assured me it was fine.  Ew, but whatever.

Dr. Pamela Trantham was a middle aged woman and very thorough.  I was so glad for that.  She spent almost an hour asking me about my medical history.  I explained all the procedures and everything we had been through to have a baby, and that I would like a referral to see a fertility specialist because we are considering treatment to try to have a baby again.  I also explained the pain I had in my abdomen a few weeks prior and wondered if it could be a ruptured cyst.  After doing the pelvic exam she wanted to make sure she covered all of her bases before sending me to the specialist, so she had me go to the xray center to have an ultrasound done, mostly to out rule a cyst or anything that might be wrong, and if there is they would call and let me know.  I have been through enough ultrasounds to know that when the tech continues to wand over a certain area that has a white bubble on it, I know there must be something there!  So she sweetly tells me that she is going to send me back to the Dr.'s office because they may want to run a few more tests on me.  My immediate thoughts... "Oh great!  I have cancer!  How am I going to tell Bart after all the hope and prayer he has invested in us having a baby?!"  Nervously I went back to the office, they didn't even make me wait, they just sent me right back to her office- not even the exam room, but her office.  "Holy Crap, maybe I should call him to come over to help me through this news!"  (he was home studying for a big mid term) Dr. Trantham came in, shut the door and told me she wanted to do some blood work before I left, but that they found either a "fluid sack" on my uterus...  me:  "a fluid sack?"  "what's in the fluid, cancer juice?"  When I looked at her she had a big smile on her face, and I looked at her and said "OR?"  It was like waiting 10 minutes for her to finally speak!  I couldn't read her emotion, surely she wasn't beaming from ear to ear to tell me I had cancer, what kind of sick doctor would do that?!  "or, it could be a PREGNANCY!!"  My jaw dropped.  "WHAT?!"  No Way!  I mean, HOW in the world could that really happen??  I mean, I know how it happens, but it hasn't ever happened like that before!  me:  "and if it's not a pregnancy?", still concerned it was going to be a cancer.  "Then it's just a fluid sack, nothing to worry about."  hmmm.  She then tried to compose herself and tried really hard to tell me not to get my hopes up because until she gets the bloodwork done we won't know for certain.  When I left, her whole staff seemed to be beaming.  What a bunch of crazies!  This was such a sureal moment.  I felt like everyone was looking at me like they were so happy for me to be pregnant, and we didn't even know for sure.  It was much different than the other clinics I've been to before when they all look at you like "ooh, don't get your hopes up, you could really be heartbroken in the end."

I had to go back to work to do a few things, and then I would go home to Bart.  But do I tell him everything or do I just wait until the doctors office calls me back with the results (that usually takes a day or two)?  I decided that he was so emotionally invested in all of this, that I would tell him everything except that they think I might be pregnant, just to save him the disappointment.  An hour hadn't even passed when I got a call... from Dr. Trantham's office.  

   *I was sitting in the office with the manager and friend Katie who had been telling me for months that because I was finally getting in to good shape teaching boot camp & crossfit classes, that I was going to get pregnant!  I just laughed at her and her ignorance to how impossible it would be for me to get pregnant on my own.  When I came in to work from the doctor's office she could read it all over my face.  I never confessed to her what had happen, but she knew it anyway. *

When I answered the phone, it was Dr. Trantham herself, not a nurse, and her voice was about 8 octaves higher than I remembered in her office.  "Misty?  This is Dr. Trantham! Your results came back and it's showing you're four weeks pregnant!!"  It was as if she was screaming with excitement to me!  "What?!"  you would think I could think of something more happy to say both times she told me it was possible, but I was in utter shock!  Both times!  "Really?!"  I couldn't even cry.  I couldn't close my mouth.  I couldn't blink!  She then told me she had already called and made an appointment with the specialist for me so we can make sure everything goes perfectly.  I thanked her for calling me back so quickly and for everything she did for me that day, hung up the phone, and turned around to see Katie smiling with tears in her eyes.  I wanted to cry for joy, but I was still trying to process.  Katie told me to go home to Bart.  BART!  How do I tell him?  Do I just blurt it out?  Do I try to think of something creative?... no, I don't have the brains for that right now!  So I went home to see him pounding away at the computer.  I went in and sat down, and he looked at me with an inquisitive look on his face... " how was the doctor's appointment, did you get a referral?"  me: "yep.  So, I'm pregnant."  I could finally smile.  He looked at me and said "I knew it!"  With tears in his eyes he grabbed and hugged me with so much joy.  He did know it.  He knew it for years.  He had so much faith that we would get pregnant on our own, and we did.  He had enough faith for it to really happen.  We both knew this was it- what The Lord wanted for us right now.  This was the moment we had been waiting for.  We were never afraid of loosing the baby because everything felt so right!  Finally, the blessing and miracle we had been waiting for!  There was no doubt in our minds that we had to wait for this little miracle.  We learned so much about ourselves individually, we grew so much both as a couple and as individuals.  What exactly were we suppose to learn, we aren't sure, but we both know we wouldn't have changed the past 12 years for anything knowing what we know now.  

I do have reason's why I believe I was able to get pregnant on my own, now that I can look back at it all.  I'm hoping to write about this as well, so don't go anywhere, this story will continue!

Miracles can happen! (Part one)

It's been too long since my last post, and frankly I didn't have much to write about, until I did, and then things got crazy and I didn't have the time!
Since my last blog post we moved across the country, Bart finished grad school, and... WE HAD A BABY!!!
I'm hoping to write about the whole experience the best I can, but it may take a few posts to get through it, so bare with me.  In my opinion its a petty awesome story, one I hope to be able to tell in detail for the rest of my life.
First of all, let me start by saying the heartache of infertility continued, but we gradually found ways to cope with it- both individually and as a couple.  Our desire never diminished, but our hope of becoming parents in this life was fading.  Let me also just say that our constant prayers never faltered.  We wanted to have children, but it was obvious The Lord had other plans for us, so we constantly prayed to know what our purpose in life was if not to raise a family. We prayed to know if we should adopt, do infertility treatments again, etc. and still the same stupor of thought would be the result to our prayers.  It was frustrating, but we didn't know what else to do.  This is what I intend on writing about in this post, hopefully I don's start to ramble and get off track...
As time went on our feelings about children started to go in different directions.  I placed my faith in The Lord knowing that whatever his will was for me, I would be okay.  I wanted a family, but I can and would put my energy and love in to whatever I was called to do- missionary work, service, whatever my call in this life is I wanted to do for The Lord and be happy doing it!  I was tired of being sad and letting infertility bring me down.  I started to accept the fact that we won't have children.  I started putting all of my energy in to helping the missionaries any way I could, and loving my calling as a Young Single Adult (YSA) mentor.  I was becoming content, and happy.  Bart and I were making plans/considering serving as couples mission as soon as he retired.  We were considering what and where our lives would lead us and what we wanted to do with it.  We were becoming happy again as we focussed on a new future!  However, it wasn't as easy with Bart.  It bothered him more that I was becoming so "okay" with our situation.  He knew how much I had always dreamed of being a mother.  And he was realizing what he was going to miss out on, not being a father.  He didn't express this much to me, so I didn't take his feelings in to much consideration.  As I started to expressed how good I felt more often, he started to comment more on how he felt we were suppose to have a baby of our own.  And he started praying for that specific thing again.  This was starting to frustrate me!  After twelve years of trying to have a baby- doctors, needles, medication, pain & suffering, he is still hopeful that we are suppose to have a baby on our own?!
By January 2013, he asked me to start praying and fasting every month again to know what we were suppose to do.  I felt like I had already started to turn that page, and I couldn't believe he wanted to go down this path again.  But to my dismay, I wanted to be a support system for him for when he finally could receive the answer (I felt like I had already) that he needed, so I agreed.  The next month I had to take a trip back home due to a death in the family.  My Aunt and mom came to get me from the airport & we went to a friend of their's home to have dinner before drove another hour to get home.  I had met this older couple a few times, but I never knew them well.  As we were getting up to leave, I blurted out and asked the sweet man if he would give me a priesthood blessing.  We were all shocked by the request!  I didn't know why I did that!  He sweetly asked me what I need a blessing for and the only thing I could think of was the difference in feelings that Bart and I had about having a baby.   Due to the sacred nature of this blessing to me personally, I don't feel its appropriate to share, but I can say this blessing was one of the most spiritually powerful experiences of my life.  He never told me I would or would not have children, but I felt like I was on the path I needed to be on.  When I returned home I told Bart about this blessing and that I still didn't have any feelings that we would have children in this life, and that maybe he needed to start praying for that comfort from The Lord.  He didn't take that as well as I had expected.  In fact, for the next few months we fought about it when the subject came up. I hate fighting, so I re-evaluated the situation and I realized I was being selfish.  Bart was always so supportive of me and so considerate of my feelings, I didn't want to add to his pain and frustration.  So, we decided to start praying about doing IVF again.  I mostly waited for him to comment or tell me his feelings, since I already knew mine.  Another month went by and we were sitting in church watching the cute two and four year old distractions in front of us when Bart turned to me and said "I could love someone else's child if I knew he was suppose to be mine".  That was the first time Bart had ever said anything positive about adoption.  I knew this was a game changer, and it was going to get serious.
After Bart expressed a few times that he would be willing to consider adoption if The Lord prompted us to, I realized I needed to start really praying for the same things he was.  Not for him to receive the answers he needed, but for us both to receive THE answer from The Lord.  It didn't happen right away like we always hope it would.
In July I flew back home, again, for a wedding this time.  My feelings really hadn't changed at this point.  I was still okay with not having children of my own, knowing there had to be another purpose for me in this life.  I had read a few talks by Sheri Dew and a few other women of the church who weren't given the opportunity to be mother's, and I felt comforted and encouraged to do the Lord's will.  However, this particular trip home being surrounded by all of my family, and watching the kiddos play in the yard made me realize, the next generation, my nieces and nephews, are getting married and will soon have their own children!  I realized that I wouldn't get to enjoy watching my kids grow up.  I wouldn't get to see them play and have fun with their cousins, or grandma & grandpa.  It was just always going to be only Bart and I.  My heart felt empty.  Again.  Tears welled up and wouldn't stop flowing the whole time I was there.  I wanted so much to experience the joy of parenthood! I didn't just want to be the fun aunt any more, I wanted to be a mommy.
... To BeContinued

BLESSINGS

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, otherwise known as a "Mormon", I try very hard to focus on the blessings in life rather than the turmoils. Of course I'm as human as the next person and I find myself wallowing in my self pitty from time to time. Every six months our church holds a conference. It's broadcast live throughout the world, and we find ourselves looking forward to watching it... it's like the "Mormon Superbowl"! I plan crafts and yummy food to eat to keep myself busy while I listen/watch. It consists of 4 sessions each 2 hours long, 2 session on a Saturday and 2 on a Sunday. It's a beautifully organized "ray of sunshine" to the soul as our latter day prophet, apostles, and leaders of the church give us loving and encouraging advice and reminders on how to better our lives and the lives of others around us. I cannot say how much this last conference has boosted my spirit to recognize the blessings I have around me!
A specific leader, Henry B. Eyering, gave an amazing talk on trials in life. As he was talking I was thinking about all the infertility trials Bart and I have been through, and how Pres. Eyering was right on the money with how we felt and had been feeling in the past. (you can look up this talk on lds.org or even youtube- it's awesome). It also made me reflect on all the good things we have experienced along with this trial. I want you all to know, that as our friends and family we really do cherish our time with you and getting to know you. YOU have been such a blessing in our lives! And your children have meant more to us than we can express. Having said that, pictures seem to speak a thousand words, so I will let them do the talking...

These are just to name a few... there are so many more of you that we just didn't have the right pictures for.  (lesson learned for me!)  But we love you and we are so grateful for all of you in our lives.  Your children have brought us more joy than you can imagine!  Thank you for being a part of our lives!  You are ALL a blessing to us!

Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I miscarried.
At the risk of knowing this blog could sound a little melodramatic, I'm going to write it down anyway...

As far as I'm concerned, I have never been pregnant or miscarried until we did IVF.  I think if we would have miscarried without the knowledge that I was pregnant, maybe it would have been a little easier and not so dramatic.  I have no idea, but we did know and it made the top spot for the worst day of my life.  I know I've told our story about the IVF cycle, but in all honesty it seems like it was just last month and I can remember every detail.  The day (Feb. 3rd) the nurse called and told me my levels were looking amazing and we scheduled the ultrasound, I was on a walk with my friend and her baby behind our house.  I remember the conversations Alisa and I were having, and that she cried with me when I got the good news.  And I remember the same nurse calling me ten days later and telling me to fill my prescriptions (which my "plan ahead husband" had already done) because I was going to miscarry in the next few days.  During that phone call we were sitting on the couch deciding what to do for weekend, already with plans to go to some friends house for Valentine's dinner on Sunday.  We did go out to dinner that night, and we did go to the dinner on V-day, but everything in between was a bit of a blur... due to the narcotics numbing my system.  I remember I cried... a lot.  On February 15th (about 5:30 a.m.) I cramped hard- like something was inside of me with a razor blade scraping out my uterus.  I passed it and then passed out.  I stayed in bed most of the day, mostly because I didn't want to move to do anything else- not because I couldn't.  Once it was out of my body I didn't have too much cramping. 
Bart and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why it didn't work, and what our next step should be.  We spent a lot of time trying to justify, blame, and solve every aspect.  It was all a part of the process, I think.  We were lost and wanted the pain to go away. 
For the most part, after two years, I think we have done well with overcoming the trial of it all.  We've grown stronger as individuals and as Eternal companions.  We are more in love and have more respect for one another than ever before.  We have learned to accept the Lord's will and worked toward building our faith in Him.  We now KNOW and BELIEVE the Lord has a plan for us, and when the time is right (the Lord's time), we will be able to raise a family.  So, like I said, for the most part we are doing well...
But today, well let's just say it's been a day of somber moods in our household.  Even Major has been moping around, I think feeling our mood.  I hope this time of year won't always bee so sad.  But today I feel a little justified.  Today was not only the day I lost our baby, but it was the day I lost the true hope to ever have a baby.  I lost my whole dream of being a mother. To know what it would be like to feel the first move in my belly, share the bond with a child inside me, to sacrifice my body (I know you mom's out there are saying that's not such a bad thing) for a baby, or to know what my own child will look like and who's characters it would take on.  I lost it all. 
So today, I'm going to allow myself to mourn...
Tomorrow, I will work on making it a better day for the rest of my life and be the best wife I can be.

I LOVE my MAN!

I vaguely remember sitting in church when I was about twelve or thirteen and listening to my teacher talk to us (a group of girls my age) about Eternal Families and telling us to start praying about being worthy to go to the temple when we find our Eternal Companion (otherwise known as our husband).  What I vividly remember was that I took it a step further and decided to pray that my husband would be a man who loved and cherished me, and only me.  Sadly I didn't have too many good examples of husbands cherishing their wives or being completely faithful, and this was a deep concern for me even at a young age.  So my prayers continued like this as I started growing up.  Later when I was in high school and I was going to seminary I remember one of my teachers specifically saying that affection from a man will make a big difference in the home for both children and a marriage.  For some reason, those qualities stuck with me too, so I added these qualities in to my prayers in the man that I would marry.  So the list of qualities in my husband I prayed for were for him to be faithful and cherish me, honest, affectionate, and of course handsome.  It wasn't a big list with over the top qualities, but important qualities to me!
I'm not sure why, but since I started praying so hard for my husband, I started developing an idea in my head that knowing who I was going to marry would smack me across the head and we would fall madly in love at first sight and never let each other go.  Too many fairy tales as a kid I guess.  As I was getting to the age where marriage was weighing heavy on my mind (as it did with most girls my age) I said a little prayer and asked how I was suppose to know when I met the man I was suppose to marry. And the Lord answered me.  I'm not sure I was expecting an immediate answer like I did, but he told me "when you see your husband you will know".  And in that instant I also saw a very distinct set of beautiful eyes...
When Bart and I met, for the second time :) I finally looked up and made eye contact.  That was it for me.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was the one.  His eyes matched the puzzle piece I was looking for- my search was over and it did happen just like it does in the fairy tales!
This blog is a little bit of a "brag" about the answer to my deepest prayers.  I know I have prayed for a lot of things in my life.  I know that the Lord has answered many of them, and has also "unanswered" many, some I'm grateful for.  But the one prayer that I never let go of was what I needed my husband to be, and the Lord answered this prayer and then some! 
I'm not going to blog about the details of our marriage and how every year I grew to love him more and admire his qualities more and more.  That will have to be in my autobiography ;)
Today is Bart's birthday.  He's 36!  I'm not sure what it is about 36, but for some reason I think it's a very sexy age!!  He is everything exceeded what I would want my 36 year old husband to be!  So for your birthday sweetheart, this is my tribute to you and why you are so much more the husband I prayed for...
It's true that every year of our marriage I have found something new to love about Bart.  Every year has had it's different trials and growing experiences.   But for some reason, on the eve of the big 36th birthday, it seems they are all compiling and I've had a swollen heart all week.  In the beginning I was grateful to recognize Bart's ability to work hard.  He strives for something and presses forward to get it.  He has always been a good communicator too.  I don't know if I would have made it through our marriage without his ability to communicate and be honest.  Later I started realizing that he didn't make it easy to Love him all of the time, but that it made me work on loving him and he expected that out of me!  The best part about that, was that the more I loved him the more he loved me back.  It allowed me to open every part of my soul to him.  I never realized I was so closed off.  As he's helping me learn how to love more, he's also helping me become my potential.  I never wanted to go to school and have a big career because I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and wife.  Since things were going a little slower for us, Bart always pushed me to be the best at what I was doing.  I owe my talent of doing massage to him.  As I became successful, he helped me realize I could do this with anything I chose to do.  He gave me the confidence and support.  This also made me want to become a better wife for him.  So I've learned to cook well and keep things tidy so he doesn't have to.  And I enjoy it!  As he supported me in my endeavors, it was easier to support him in his.  Bart doesn't just "do" his job, he does everything that might be involved in his job.  He makes sure everything is done right the first time.  He has always excelled in his involvement.  I am so blessed to be married to a man who makes it a point to be the best he can to support our little family and make our lives a little better.  I've watched through the years as Bart strives on a regular basis to also improve all different aspects of his life- spirituality, optimism, health & wellness, financial, and being a better husband.  Bart is not one to announce all of his accomplishments or ideas to change.  He will never tell you he did better than everyone else, or that he did a great job of something at all.  I love that he doesn't have to do that to feel good about himself.  Of course when I find out or see something I'm proud of him for I'll shout it from the roof tops!
As we are settling in to our lives more comfortably, I look around myself and realize how much Bart has done for me.  I know if anything were to happen to him, I could make it on my own because he has helped me be more independent.  But I also know with every fiber in my being I would never want to do anything without him.  I love how secure and strong he makes me feel.  I love how he always takes the initiative and does whatever needs to be done around the house or to maintain something I've forgotten about.  I also appreciate (most of the time) that he asks me to do things that most husband's wouldn't ask their wives.  I would question it for the most part, but when I think about how Bart is a "safety first" kind of guy I feel like maybe he's giving me a "Mr. Miyagi" lesson that I'll appreciate later :) I love that no matter where he is, he is always prepared!  I don't care where we are, Bart will have whatever we will need to get us out of a pickle.  Sometimes I wonder if I married McGuyver!  I love that so much about him- I will always be safe with my man!  Bart also protects me emotionally.  He helps me think of and focus on the good of a situation.  He can also get really upset when something happens that hurts me, which makes me want to be stronger for him.  I love that he would do anything to keep me away from danger or from being hurt.  But I also love that he can goof off and be silly.  He keeps me on my toes and keeps me giggling on a daily basis.  I love that we have so many happy memories that keep us smiling!  On another note, Bart is a very analytical guy, and sometimes it drives me crazy that he is so excessive about his research, but it always pans out to be to our benefit.  He will never make a major purchase without making sure he's getting the best deal through researching... sometimes for months!   I am so grateful he can be so smart and level headed financially!   I am so blessed to have a husband who, when I walk in to a room he sees ME.  Bart makes it loud and clear that I am the only woman in his eyes and it is the best feeling ever.  And he's not afraid to show his affection to me around anyone.  I love that he holds my hand every where we go.  It gives me hope that we will be the little old couple holding hands as they go for their evening walks ;)
My prayers continue from when I was twelve years old, but now they are prayers of gratitude.  Gratitude for answering my prayers,  but also with blessing me with a man who has exceeded my expectations in a husband.  I never knew love could feel so good. I never really believed a love like the love we share could really exist in normal people, (or somewhat normal).  I always hoped for a good marriage and life with a good man, but I had never actually seen it in real life and now I get to live it.  Thank you Lord for blessing me with my own fairytale.  Thank you Barty, for giving me everything I could ever ask for in a husband.  You are by far the best person to ever come in to my life, and I am overwhelmed by knowing I get to be with you for Eternity.

IF WE KNEW THEN...

I read some statistics online a while ago, and I wished I would have read more about it before we got so far in to treatments.  People would always tell me to get online and find "support groups" to talk to people about it.  I'm not sure what I had against all of that, maybe I didn't want to admit that I was a part of the infertility community, maybe I just figured I was fine and didn't need anyone... I don't know?  How many times do we hear ourselves say "if we knew then what we know now!"?  Well, here's a bunch of those from me:
Did you know that about 80% of people who can't have children seek medical help to get pregnant?  I'm not too surprised by this number, since I was one of them.  It's actually hard for me to imagine someone who would just jump in to adoption before finding out what the real problems is- but there are people who do and that's great too.
Out of the 80%, only 55% actually get pregnant and bear children.  Only 60% of these lucky individuals can claim that it was absolutely the medical treatments they received that helped them get pregnant.
None of this would have changed my mind either.  The odds are still in medical favor in my opinion, it's all more than 50%.   And when you consider everything that goes in to getting pregnant in the first place, it's really hard for me to imagine how women even get pregnant at all!
When I went in to consult about IVF and after all of my testing, the doctors told me I had a 35% chance... and I was still optimistic, so 55% sounds pretty great.
Here's the problem though-
When you know the next step for you is to seek medical help to get pregnant, you assume it will work.  Why wouldn't it?  Yes, there are the 45% who don't end up with the ultimate end result (a baby), but you don't really consider that you're in that category!  If you did, you wouldn't sink your life savings in to the procedure! (maybe that's why the 20% choose not to seek medical help?)  So not only are you spending a lot of money (and for some it's not as much of an issue as it is for others), but you're also now involved in a lot of emotional investments. 

The amount of hormones being injected in to your body, that it didn't produce naturally by itself, is outstanding!  And the "hormonal emotion" that comes out of you is so surreal.  It's almost as if you are having an out of body experience.  You watch yourself as you might say something with more emotion than usual or even lash out at the ones you love and then turn around and cry about it because you can't control it, or take it back.  And if you somehow figure out how to keep it in, it only builds up to explode later about something even less dramatic- so you cry even harder for being so out of control and ridiculous!  Plus, nobody prepares you for what it does to you sexually (or lack of).  Your body and your sex life have now become an open topic and science project!  Nothing is sacred at this point!  For a lot of women, intimacy is a moot point anymore.  You can't get pregnant naturally, so what's the point in sex? You figure your body is broken and disfunctional so you're now completely useless & undesirable.  What's the point in being a woman if you can't give your man offspring?  Women have been be-headed for this... somewhere... I'm sure.  So now we are broken, undesirable, and useless.  All we are good for anymore is a "quick fix" for him.  It's so depressing!  Then you get upset when he asks you if you're in the mood, because your moods are all over the place so NO, YOU'RE NOT! and then you cry... a lot for saying "NO!"... and he accepted it because you got so upset, so you believe that he really didn't want you in the first place. (Which by the way is not true!)  And after all that work emotion and drama,  you become that 45% who treatment doesn't work out for you start to blame.  Blame the doctor for not preparing you better or doing more than he has already done.  Blame God for punishing you and blessing the crack whore on the corner.  Blame yourself for not exercising or for exercising, eating too much, eating too little, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, getting off the couch, cleaning your house....  For me, I blamed myself for every move I made.  And because I was upset at myself, I took it out on my poor husband.  I started blaming him for not being home on time, reading scriptures with me, expecting me to carry a baby... anything I could think of to make myself feel better. But it didn't, it only made me feel worse.  I never told him that I blamed him for anything, I just cried and apologized to him mostly about everything I did wrong.  I didn't want to make it harder on him.  Even though sometimes in my mind I thought I had reasons to be upset with him, I never really did believe myself. 
If I knew then, what I know now- I would have never appreciated where I am at this point in my life.  What I learned through this WHOLE process that I would never trade for anything, is how much my husband loves me.  AND how much more in love with him that I am.  Five years ago, we made a pact that we would never let infertility effect our marriage.  Divorce rates are higher within the "infertile network", so we wanted to make sure we were connected and communicating through the whole thing.  We had no idea what we were really up against, but we did a pretty good job expressing our hopes and fears.  Nobody tells you how hard it really will be on you as an individual, because nobody really can.  It's one of those things that you can only feel and not explain.  When we miscarried we both knew the other was holding back a lot of emotion, and there were a lot of unspoken words.  But even when I knew he was holding back, I wasn't ready to hear what he was going through because I wasn't ready to express my words yet.  I figured I was protecting him from myself.  This went on for almost a year.  Little bits would come out here and there, and that was fine with us at the time.  We spent a lot of time around other people so we didn't have to have the "one on one" with each other.  But, we didn't want to be without each other either.  We did everything together, just with others around.  It wasn't an avoidance because we were mad at each other, it was the avoidance of hurting the other, to protect each other.  I had to make sure if Bart was going to say something of importance so I could know what he was thinking or read between the lines.  I also wanted to make sure that if someone said something about our situation that I could protect him from it, change the subject or let them know we were okay.  What I didn't realize at the time was that Bart was doing the same for me.  At the time, we figured we were doing each other a favor.  I wish I could say we should have just been honest with each other in the first place, but we were both in such an emotional state I don't think either of us could have handled the truth.
After we decided to "take a break" from it all and get our lives in order again, was when we finally opened up to each other.  It started with us being on the list to do IVF again in just three months and when I was ready to break I burst out with "I don't feel good about it!"... and neither did he.  We were both so relieved!!  Then came out, the "I'm sorry we aren't having babies, it's my fault because..."  This was a huge eye opener for me to realize Bart actually thought it was his fault!  All the reason's he came up with were so much more realistic than the ones I did (about him)... and it broke my heart that he really felt that way!  Truly it's my body that's broken, why would he really feel that way?  I really is my (body's) fault if any one's!  It breaks my heart still to know for almost a full year my sweet husband cried in prayer on a regular basis to the Lord that I could have a baby because I was deserving, despite his faults.  Since our conversation, I've heard him say this payer a few times and each time I shutter at the grief he feels for me.  The reason's I thought I had to blame Bart were completely silly.  The reason's he thinks he's at fault are more personal, but still not a good reason why we aren't having children.  He also confessed to me things he blamed me for, and they were justified.  But even as he was telling me this, he knew/felt they weren't why we aren't having children.  There's only one reason we can truly believe anymore, and it's because it's not in the Lord's timeline for us right now.
It will be a full two years this week since we found out we were pregnant.  And two weeks from now we will have found out we miscarried.  In those two years, my marriage has come full circle.  We were never rocky to begin with, but the trials we have been through have been such a huge stepping stone!  We aren't completely healed, but well on our way.  We still have the protective tendencies- after a friend told us she was pregnant, we were both so happy for her.  They have been trying and they have the cutest kids and they are great parents.  But Bart and I both watched each other like hawks while she was giving us her good news.  Not because we didn't think the other would be happy for her, but because we didn't want the other to hurt over not having what she does.  Throughout the day it was "are you okay?", "do you want to talk about it?", and "I love you so much!"  These are the things Bart and I will deal with, for what I sometimes feel, will be the rest of our lives.  At our age everyone we make friends with will have or be having children... which is a great and natural.  But even after all the pain, emotion, fear, and uncertainty- I would do it again to know and have the love we share in our marriage.  I only wish other marriages in our situation could be so lucky. 

Because of this experience, I know I really could be happy for the rest of my life if I only had my sweet husband.  I am truly a blessed woman to be married to such an amazing man and my best friend!... I know, how cliche- but I don't care :)

Adoption

 I think it's only natural for us as women, mothers, parents to ask or wonder about adoption when it comes to infertility.  I know it's usually the first question that comes to my mind when I hear about someone having a hard time getting pregnant- and I'm going through it!  It's not a silly question, and it's not insensitive if it's asked in an appropriate conversation.  If you would have asked me ten years ago what I would do if I couldn't have kids, it would be a no brainer!  I would adopt most definitely!!  My dream would have extended to traveling around the world and saving children from an orphanage who never stood a chance to have a normal life.  I think we would all love to consider ourselves like the Jolie/Pitt family!  Of course we think of how we would be the Savior's of these destitute children and give them the best life possible!  Then why haven't we adopted yet?  Let me explain a little before I answer that question.
 When you are preparing to start a family, you hope and wonder about who your children will look like the most.  His eyes and lips, my skin and hair, grandma's nose, grandpa's height... etc.  You get excited about how adorable your children will be!  Isn't it the first thing you start looking at when a child is born- who it looks most like?  It's exciting!  The big surprise!  I love surprises :)  Bart and I were no different.  We dreamed of how cute our kids would be.  How they would be so sweet and tender hearted-  they would never scream, cry in a grocery store, or bite another child (haha!).  Maybe we were a little beyond reality, but we did dream about how we would love them so much because they would be ours.
 I'm not saying when you adopt you can't raise your children to be sweet, or that you don't love them the way you would if you were to have birthed them yourself.  I've had many discussions with parents who have adopted.  ALL say they don't even think about the fact that they didn't come from their own genetics.  ALL say it's as if the Lord gave them these children just as they would have from their own womb.  ALL say they would go through all the heartache of not getting pregnant on their own again just to have this child in their lives (some even do have their own children).  ALL have convinced me they were led to adopt their child/children at the right time in their lives.
 Bart and I have had hundreds of conversations about adoption.   Who and what agencies we would approach first.  If we would want an international adoption.  If we would be willing to take on an older child.  If we would want to try fostering before adoption... the list goes on.  There are so many things to consider when you decide to adopt. And there are also a lot of fears when it comes to adoption- one of which is the haunting fact that... it's not a guarantee! Even if you have the baby in your arms at home, there is still the chance of the birth mother taking that baby back! HOW AWFUL!!! It makes me physically sick and emotional just thinking about how painful that would be to wait so long for a baby and then have it taken away from you! But aside from that, still how long have people had to wait for a baby? I know there are many who don't have to wait long. But there are also those who typically aren't used as role models who have waited years.  I will also admit, with shame, that we've had other reservations about it. There's always the wonder or fear that something would be wrong with the child physically or mentally. And you can almost always count on at one point or another in that child's life that something emotional will come out of adoption. How do you raise this child to know they are loved and cherished when clearly their first parents didn't want them? I know everyone has the answer to this in their own way, and you're all probably right. But it doesn't change the fact that when the child is growing in the womb, it's not you who is constantly expressing your love for it like you would if you were carrying the baby. It's not your voice, your genetics, or your love from the very beginning of cell memory. I know once that baby is placed in your arms you will love it and give it everything you can. I really do know and believe it. I guess, unless we go through it, I will never quite get over that small fear of our child not believing how important they are in my life and him wishing they were with their biological parents instead. Maybe that's therapy I would need to get before the process happens :)
So what is our absolute answer to adoption?... we don't know YET!


 I have had few words of comfort concerning our lack of "push" to adopt.  One coming from a woman who couldn't have children of her own, but never had the desire to find out why. They chose to adopt right away and knew it was what they were suppose to do.  She reminded me that, yes there are a lot of children out there needing good homes and parents, but there are also a lot of amazing couples who have been waiting a long time to be accepted by someone to receive a child. 
The second discussion I had was with my Visiting Teacher, (a woman from my church) who has adopted four kids.  All of them have an awesome story as to how they adopted each child.  But initially after ten years of trying to have their own children they finally received the confirmation by the spirit that they needed to adopt.  Until then she never had the desire.  She reminded me that Bart and I are the only ones who can receive the answers to our prayers.  Everyone can help pray for us, but nobody can tell us what we are suppose to do.  That was something I really needed to hear, because I do know that if we were suppose to adopt now or five years ago it would be happening or have already happened!  I wish it were that easy for us!
  ON THE OTHER HAND-
I would like to give my opinion and advice to any of you who are or would consider giving a baby or child up for adoption...
As much as I would love to be a mother now, and as much as I have dreamed of being a mother my whole life- I can not even begin to imagine the amount of pain anyone would have to go through emotionally to give a baby up for adoption.  I know that it's been said when you are told you can't have children, it's as if you have lost all your children.  The mourning and pain is so great from this loss, this is one I've experienced.  So to give birth to a child and give it away is absolutely unfathomable to me! To be able to carry and feel a child inside of you, would be so amazing (in my opinion).  You are so blessed to have that gift.  Something that so many of us would love to experience.  As a woman who would love to get pregnant and birth my own child, I envy your position of getting pregnant; however, I am completely aware that if you have chosen to give the baby up for adoption, you got pregnant in an unfortunate circumstance.  I understand, to an extent,  that this unfortunate circumstance has caused you much grief and pain.   Maybe you really would love to be in a situation to keep it, or maybe you just want it out and done with... either way, I hope you can remember that a woman is out there praying for you.  A woman is out there praising your name.  A woman is out there feeling so humble and blessed that you are going through the pain (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) for her!  I have spoken to many women who have adopted, and every one of them have said how much they love, respect, and praise God every day for their  birth mothers!  You are an amazing person to be so selfless.  This is truly a gift from God that you are giving a family, who is ready, and have been ready for a long time to take your child in their home to love and cherish and adore.  Most women feel the motherly instinct and battle with keeping the baby.  It's natural!  But there are so many families out there ready for the responsibility.  Who can afford to give the baby a good life.  Who desire more than anything to care for your baby the way you may not be available to!  If you are trying to decide what is best for you and the child, please consider how much you will bless another couple who have been trying to start a family for years.  These people usually have been through years of pain- through miscarriage or infertility, and suffered so much heartache and loss.  So when you choose this couple, you can know without a doubt, you are the answer to their never tired and ending prayers!  You're a blessing for them.  You are their only hope.
  My religion and belief helps me to have an understanding of what life will be like after death.  I believe that through proper repentance we can all live an Eternal life as an Eternal family again with our Heavenly Father and brother Jesus Christ.  With this said, I feel that a birth mother and the adopted family are included as an Eternal family with the child.  We don't always understand things in this life, but I do truly believe the Lord has an Eternal plan to keep you all (birth parents & adopted parents) connected to each other on a bigger, brighter scale.  There's a purpose in all things.  Trust in the Lord to guide you in the right path for YOU.  That's my advice and that's the advice I'm living.  I hope it works out the best way for all of us in the end!