... Continued

I guess I better get back on track with my initial story about our infertility struggles...
So to recap- we've been through IUI (artificial insemination) four times, Dr.'s really couldn't figure out exactly what was wrong, & we are upset.

While living in the south for not quite a year for some schooling Bart had to do, we found ourselves in a very good place.  We were happy.  We were coming to terms that making babies wasn't going to be as easy as it seems to be for most people.  We knew we wanted to continue working towards having children, so the next place we ended up we would see about doing IVF (invetro fertilization).  In the meantime, we made several friends who were actually much younger than us, but also had little kids.  We had so much fun getting to know them and playing with their kiddos!  They kept us busy and preoccupied & I felt like I was being helpful to these young mom's who might need a small break every now and again.  It was good.  We were hopeful and doing good.  UNTIL... Bart found out our next duty station would be Fort Huachuca, AZ.  For those of you who don't know AZ very well, it's as desert as desert gets.  I grew up in the desert, and I have no desire to ever really live in that kind of heat and dust again!  GAG!  Not to mention that the closest infertility clinic would be about an hour (maybe more?) away.  Thank Heaven's for a husband who loves me and wants the best for me!!  Bart spent weeks trying to contact people who knew someone to get us relocated, before we relocated :)
I knew their were a few fertility clinics in some military bases so we confirmed and started there.  I was praying we could go back to the west coast, and my prayers were answered!  Bart got in contact with a guy who needed him in Fort Lewis.  We were thrilled!  We knew this was the answer to all our prayers!  We would move there, get in to the clinic, and make lots of babies!!!... hmmm.
Well we got to WA and bought a home.  It was perfect to start our little family in, and since this base is so large we were sure we could stay at least six years.  It was a good start.  Bart was originally scheduled to deploy in nine months, so when we got in to see the fertility Doc we were advanced on the list (almost a year wait) and they started us immediately! Another good start/blessing.  The process really wasn't so bad.  I had heard several horror stories about how miserable all the hormones were and the process is so grueling.  Well, I guess after being on Clomid for five months I was ready to handle anything!  But really, it wasn't so bad.  It was gradual and my body did okay adjusting.  Not to mention, this was the ticket to making our baby/babies!  I was willing to go through anything!  We were so excited and had so much faith that the Lord sent us here to help us start our family.  There really wasn't anything causing us to feel like this wouldn't work. 
On the day of egg retrieval, they harvested sixteen eggs!  We were happy about that!  I was especially happy knowing that my ovaries felt like bowling balls for a very good reason.  * by the way, a woman typically grows one follicle (egg) in one ovary at a time in one month.  They usually can get more eggs out of a lot of women with the hormones, but I was happy with sixteen.  It's usually about a five day process to "grow the embryo's", and after day one we only had nine eggs ready to fertilize.  Okay, still alright with me!  After day two only five were looking healthy.  Kind of a bummer, but that's alright too- still enough to work with.  On day four we were going in to have two of our five healthiest embryo's placed inside of me! YAY!  The moment we've been waiting for!  As far as I am concerned, I've never been pregnant before, and when I leave this clinic I can officially say I am!!! 
It was so amazing!   We watched as the technician who was "growing" my embryo's, suck them (the embryo) up into the long tube that would put them (2) inside of me.  He then passed it through a window, and then the ultrasound let us watch my doctor impregnate me.  It was by far one of the most miraculous things I've witnessed.  We were both blown away! ...
I don't think I've ever thought about this since that day, but I do remember expecting to feel something amazing.  And I didn't.  I was amazed by the science and the procedure, but I didn't feel anything in my heart. Hmmm.
The next day I get a call from the clinic to inform me that the other three embryo's did not make the next phase. 
So now we wait a few weeks before we do anything to find out if the two I have inside of me takes.  This is where the pain began for me.  Bart had to give me a shot in the rear every day for (up to fifteen) weeks.  This needle was as long and thick as my pinky and the progesterone serum was as thick as honey!  The first week wasn't bad, but after that I thought I was going to cry every time!! 
This was also about the time I started noticing a difference in my husbands love and respect for me.  I always knew he loved me & respected me, but this was different.  He was protective in all aspects.  A kind of love I've never witnessed in my life.  Just thinking about this time makes my heart swell.  He was so tender and so apologetic for everything I had to go through.  He was so hopeful, but I think he also was struggling to feel that amazed feeling in his heart too.  He was so strong and unbelievably incredible for me through the next month... and since then!
Finally the day came for me to go get my blood test to see if it took.  It's not exactly a "congratulations your pregnant!" kind of test.  It's more of a "lets see what the numbers do today and then again in two days" test.  My numbers were low, in the 30's but still worth hoping for.  Two days later they had gone up, 90's.  And by this time they are hoping for 100's.  Two days later 300's.  Two days later 700's!  Two days later (and by this time, so tired of being a needle cushion!) 900's.  Two days later (and yelling at the tech taking my blood because my arms were so sore!) 1500's!!!  The nurse finally told me we could schedule our ultrasound for heartbeat for next month!  Finally words we wanted to hear.  We were starting to loose hope with our numbers being so low at the beginning, but they finally peaked and my body decided it was okay! 
I'll never forget that moment!  I was out for a walk with my sweet friend Alisa.  She was strolling her not even two month old precious baby & talking about how it was hard for her to get pregnant too.  When I got the call we both jumped up and down & hugged & sighed in relief!  I was so happy to have her there with me to share my good news.  She was so good to listen to me about all we had gone through without really saying much at all.  I really needed a sounding board and she was great! 
Don't worry, I called Bart immediately after our little celebration!  He was so thrilled!!!
I still had to go in two days later to confirm my numbers going up.  Fine, whatever.  It was Friday February 12th, 2009.  I got a call not a few hours after my test.  Bart was sitting next to me on the couch and we were discussing our Valentine's plans.  "Your numbers have dropped to fifteen.  I'm so sorry sweetheart, your having a miscarriage."  I hung up the phone, looked at Bart in shock, and burst in to heavy sobs.  He just held me.
We had made plans for the weekend with our good friends, but to be honest I have no idea how that weekend went.  I know they knew, and I know we saw them at some point, but everything seems to be a blur... drugs maybe :)
It wasn't until Monday morning that I actually passed the huge glob of bloody embryo.  I spent most of the weekend numbing my heartache, more than cramps, with the percoset the doctors prescribed me for the pain.  Early Monday morning was when I actually had the real pain of feeling like I had something inside me ripping out all lining in my uterus.  When it finally passed, so did I.  I passed right out.  Probably more from the fatigue, heartache, and not knowing what to call what I was looking at... my babies, the embryo's, blood clot???? 
Bart helped me back in bed and I wanted to stay there forever.  Why did this happen?  How could the Lord bring us all the way here just to take it away?  What lesson am I suppose to learn from this?  Poor Bart.  I can't give him children, did he still want me?... and on and on and on.

There's more!  I'm sorry I have to stop on such a depressing note, but there is some good from this I promise!