IF WE KNEW THEN...

I read some statistics online a while ago, and I wished I would have read more about it before we got so far in to treatments.  People would always tell me to get online and find "support groups" to talk to people about it.  I'm not sure what I had against all of that, maybe I didn't want to admit that I was a part of the infertility community, maybe I just figured I was fine and didn't need anyone... I don't know?  How many times do we hear ourselves say "if we knew then what we know now!"?  Well, here's a bunch of those from me:
Did you know that about 80% of people who can't have children seek medical help to get pregnant?  I'm not too surprised by this number, since I was one of them.  It's actually hard for me to imagine someone who would just jump in to adoption before finding out what the real problems is- but there are people who do and that's great too.
Out of the 80%, only 55% actually get pregnant and bear children.  Only 60% of these lucky individuals can claim that it was absolutely the medical treatments they received that helped them get pregnant.
None of this would have changed my mind either.  The odds are still in medical favor in my opinion, it's all more than 50%.   And when you consider everything that goes in to getting pregnant in the first place, it's really hard for me to imagine how women even get pregnant at all!
When I went in to consult about IVF and after all of my testing, the doctors told me I had a 35% chance... and I was still optimistic, so 55% sounds pretty great.
Here's the problem though-
When you know the next step for you is to seek medical help to get pregnant, you assume it will work.  Why wouldn't it?  Yes, there are the 45% who don't end up with the ultimate end result (a baby), but you don't really consider that you're in that category!  If you did, you wouldn't sink your life savings in to the procedure! (maybe that's why the 20% choose not to seek medical help?)  So not only are you spending a lot of money (and for some it's not as much of an issue as it is for others), but you're also now involved in a lot of emotional investments. 

The amount of hormones being injected in to your body, that it didn't produce naturally by itself, is outstanding!  And the "hormonal emotion" that comes out of you is so surreal.  It's almost as if you are having an out of body experience.  You watch yourself as you might say something with more emotion than usual or even lash out at the ones you love and then turn around and cry about it because you can't control it, or take it back.  And if you somehow figure out how to keep it in, it only builds up to explode later about something even less dramatic- so you cry even harder for being so out of control and ridiculous!  Plus, nobody prepares you for what it does to you sexually (or lack of).  Your body and your sex life have now become an open topic and science project!  Nothing is sacred at this point!  For a lot of women, intimacy is a moot point anymore.  You can't get pregnant naturally, so what's the point in sex? You figure your body is broken and disfunctional so you're now completely useless & undesirable.  What's the point in being a woman if you can't give your man offspring?  Women have been be-headed for this... somewhere... I'm sure.  So now we are broken, undesirable, and useless.  All we are good for anymore is a "quick fix" for him.  It's so depressing!  Then you get upset when he asks you if you're in the mood, because your moods are all over the place so NO, YOU'RE NOT! and then you cry... a lot for saying "NO!"... and he accepted it because you got so upset, so you believe that he really didn't want you in the first place. (Which by the way is not true!)  And after all that work emotion and drama,  you become that 45% who treatment doesn't work out for you start to blame.  Blame the doctor for not preparing you better or doing more than he has already done.  Blame God for punishing you and blessing the crack whore on the corner.  Blame yourself for not exercising or for exercising, eating too much, eating too little, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, getting off the couch, cleaning your house....  For me, I blamed myself for every move I made.  And because I was upset at myself, I took it out on my poor husband.  I started blaming him for not being home on time, reading scriptures with me, expecting me to carry a baby... anything I could think of to make myself feel better. But it didn't, it only made me feel worse.  I never told him that I blamed him for anything, I just cried and apologized to him mostly about everything I did wrong.  I didn't want to make it harder on him.  Even though sometimes in my mind I thought I had reasons to be upset with him, I never really did believe myself. 
If I knew then, what I know now- I would have never appreciated where I am at this point in my life.  What I learned through this WHOLE process that I would never trade for anything, is how much my husband loves me.  AND how much more in love with him that I am.  Five years ago, we made a pact that we would never let infertility effect our marriage.  Divorce rates are higher within the "infertile network", so we wanted to make sure we were connected and communicating through the whole thing.  We had no idea what we were really up against, but we did a pretty good job expressing our hopes and fears.  Nobody tells you how hard it really will be on you as an individual, because nobody really can.  It's one of those things that you can only feel and not explain.  When we miscarried we both knew the other was holding back a lot of emotion, and there were a lot of unspoken words.  But even when I knew he was holding back, I wasn't ready to hear what he was going through because I wasn't ready to express my words yet.  I figured I was protecting him from myself.  This went on for almost a year.  Little bits would come out here and there, and that was fine with us at the time.  We spent a lot of time around other people so we didn't have to have the "one on one" with each other.  But, we didn't want to be without each other either.  We did everything together, just with others around.  It wasn't an avoidance because we were mad at each other, it was the avoidance of hurting the other, to protect each other.  I had to make sure if Bart was going to say something of importance so I could know what he was thinking or read between the lines.  I also wanted to make sure that if someone said something about our situation that I could protect him from it, change the subject or let them know we were okay.  What I didn't realize at the time was that Bart was doing the same for me.  At the time, we figured we were doing each other a favor.  I wish I could say we should have just been honest with each other in the first place, but we were both in such an emotional state I don't think either of us could have handled the truth.
After we decided to "take a break" from it all and get our lives in order again, was when we finally opened up to each other.  It started with us being on the list to do IVF again in just three months and when I was ready to break I burst out with "I don't feel good about it!"... and neither did he.  We were both so relieved!!  Then came out, the "I'm sorry we aren't having babies, it's my fault because..."  This was a huge eye opener for me to realize Bart actually thought it was his fault!  All the reason's he came up with were so much more realistic than the ones I did (about him)... and it broke my heart that he really felt that way!  Truly it's my body that's broken, why would he really feel that way?  I really is my (body's) fault if any one's!  It breaks my heart still to know for almost a full year my sweet husband cried in prayer on a regular basis to the Lord that I could have a baby because I was deserving, despite his faults.  Since our conversation, I've heard him say this payer a few times and each time I shutter at the grief he feels for me.  The reason's I thought I had to blame Bart were completely silly.  The reason's he thinks he's at fault are more personal, but still not a good reason why we aren't having children.  He also confessed to me things he blamed me for, and they were justified.  But even as he was telling me this, he knew/felt they weren't why we aren't having children.  There's only one reason we can truly believe anymore, and it's because it's not in the Lord's timeline for us right now.
It will be a full two years this week since we found out we were pregnant.  And two weeks from now we will have found out we miscarried.  In those two years, my marriage has come full circle.  We were never rocky to begin with, but the trials we have been through have been such a huge stepping stone!  We aren't completely healed, but well on our way.  We still have the protective tendencies- after a friend told us she was pregnant, we were both so happy for her.  They have been trying and they have the cutest kids and they are great parents.  But Bart and I both watched each other like hawks while she was giving us her good news.  Not because we didn't think the other would be happy for her, but because we didn't want the other to hurt over not having what she does.  Throughout the day it was "are you okay?", "do you want to talk about it?", and "I love you so much!"  These are the things Bart and I will deal with, for what I sometimes feel, will be the rest of our lives.  At our age everyone we make friends with will have or be having children... which is a great and natural.  But even after all the pain, emotion, fear, and uncertainty- I would do it again to know and have the love we share in our marriage.  I only wish other marriages in our situation could be so lucky. 

Because of this experience, I know I really could be happy for the rest of my life if I only had my sweet husband.  I am truly a blessed woman to be married to such an amazing man and my best friend!... I know, how cliche- but I don't care :)