Two Years Ago

Two years ago today I miscarried.
At the risk of knowing this blog could sound a little melodramatic, I'm going to write it down anyway...

As far as I'm concerned, I have never been pregnant or miscarried until we did IVF.  I think if we would have miscarried without the knowledge that I was pregnant, maybe it would have been a little easier and not so dramatic.  I have no idea, but we did know and it made the top spot for the worst day of my life.  I know I've told our story about the IVF cycle, but in all honesty it seems like it was just last month and I can remember every detail.  The day (Feb. 3rd) the nurse called and told me my levels were looking amazing and we scheduled the ultrasound, I was on a walk with my friend and her baby behind our house.  I remember the conversations Alisa and I were having, and that she cried with me when I got the good news.  And I remember the same nurse calling me ten days later and telling me to fill my prescriptions (which my "plan ahead husband" had already done) because I was going to miscarry in the next few days.  During that phone call we were sitting on the couch deciding what to do for weekend, already with plans to go to some friends house for Valentine's dinner on Sunday.  We did go out to dinner that night, and we did go to the dinner on V-day, but everything in between was a bit of a blur... due to the narcotics numbing my system.  I remember I cried... a lot.  On February 15th (about 5:30 a.m.) I cramped hard- like something was inside of me with a razor blade scraping out my uterus.  I passed it and then passed out.  I stayed in bed most of the day, mostly because I didn't want to move to do anything else- not because I couldn't.  Once it was out of my body I didn't have too much cramping. 
Bart and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why it didn't work, and what our next step should be.  We spent a lot of time trying to justify, blame, and solve every aspect.  It was all a part of the process, I think.  We were lost and wanted the pain to go away. 
For the most part, after two years, I think we have done well with overcoming the trial of it all.  We've grown stronger as individuals and as Eternal companions.  We are more in love and have more respect for one another than ever before.  We have learned to accept the Lord's will and worked toward building our faith in Him.  We now KNOW and BELIEVE the Lord has a plan for us, and when the time is right (the Lord's time), we will be able to raise a family.  So, like I said, for the most part we are doing well...
But today, well let's just say it's been a day of somber moods in our household.  Even Major has been moping around, I think feeling our mood.  I hope this time of year won't always bee so sad.  But today I feel a little justified.  Today was not only the day I lost our baby, but it was the day I lost the true hope to ever have a baby.  I lost my whole dream of being a mother. To know what it would be like to feel the first move in my belly, share the bond with a child inside me, to sacrifice my body (I know you mom's out there are saying that's not such a bad thing) for a baby, or to know what my own child will look like and who's characters it would take on.  I lost it all. 
So today, I'm going to allow myself to mourn...
Tomorrow, I will work on making it a better day for the rest of my life and be the best wife I can be.