Monday, July 21, 2014

Miracles (continued)

When I came home from my trip I discussed my feelings of feeling sad and empty again with Bart, and it confirmed to both of us that we needed some answers.  Not a week later I received and email from my good friend Jodi.  She is my friend who has moved from state to state with us since we have been in the military (until recently).  
      *Jodi is my sister from another mister.  She is absolutely the opposite of me and I love her so much for it.  She's also my dear friend who offered to surrogate for us just after we miscarried from the IVF treatments a few years ago.  Jodi is oppinionated and isn't afraid to speak her voice.  She also has been vocal enough to tell me a few times that it's not okay for me to be fine with not having children.... I brushed those oppinions off. *
In this email that Jodi sent me, she expressed to me her heartfelt feelings, not her "Jodi oppinion" about how I would make a good mother and she just can't believe I am suppose to go on in this life without any of my own.  And she also reopened her offer to surrogate for us.
I read this email to Bart, and for the first time in a long time I saw him get a glimmer of hope and emotional about having children.  It surprised me that he was even truly willing to consider surrogacy!  He also told me that if he could be okay with anyone carrying our baby, he would want it to be Jodi.  So I called her.  We had a discussion and cry fest, and we picked a date a few weeks away for all four of us to pray and fast together if this is something we are to seriously do.
My reservations were enormous!  After all of the fertility hormones and shots and frustration I had been through on my own, I was nervous about having to put Jodi and her husband through any form of that at all to carry our baby.  And then for her to carry my baby for nine whole months!  And then to deliver it without the benefits of getting to hold and love it every day!!!  I couldn't even imagine what she would have to go through, and I wondered if she was really up for all of that.  THEN I started to think the worst... Here is my best friend, going through all the pain and suffering I've been through to get pregnant.  She's already emotionally invested in our situation, but now if the pregnancy doesn't last and we miscarry again, what would that put her through?  I know how I felt when I miscarried, and with her "over-confidence" that she could easily carry our baby, but then lost it- ugh, it made me sick with worry what that could do to her!  For that fear alone, I didn't want to do it.  But we still had a date to fast and pray for it.  Who knew what The Lord would guide us to do.
That whole week prior to our fast date, I was an emotional basket case!  I mean, I litterally cried at everything!  I told Bart I felt like I was cutting my heart open again just to see if I could reattatch it!  What were we thinking?  Why were we doing this again?  Did we really forget how painful all of this is?  I don't want to go through the pain of loosing that hope and faith agian.  I was perfectly content with my decision just months ago!  Why, Why, Why are we doing this again???
Nevertheless; during our fast that Sunday all I could think about was how we would make this surrogacy work.  She has four kids at home, so I would want to be there where she lives as often as I could.  But would she come here for the procedure and delivery?  Oh my gosh, I could have a baby!!  My heart was really starting to warm with the idea that this could really be our answer!  When we got home from church and I asked Bart what his feelings were about any of it, his reply was disappointing to say the least.  He said he felt like we just needed to go see some specialists to get some answers.  I wanted to throw something at him!  All of these tears and heartache and hope built up about Jodi being a surrogate and us possibly having a baby within the year, and he wants me to go through more tests?????  Now, looking back, I can see how this was more logical, but at the time it was really dramatic for me!  When we talked to Jodi and her husband, they were supportive and felt good about whatever decision we made.  
That evening we were making dinner for the missionaries.  Spaghetti and meatballs.  I started not feeling well, light headed and nauseus.  When they showed up I almost had everything ready, just a few preparations when I started having so much pain in my abdominal area I had to sit and couldn't stand up!  I told Bart to just go ahead and get everything on the table to eat, and I was going to lay down for a bit.  As I stood up from the floor I felt more pain and more dizzy, but I made it to the bedroom just in time to pass out.  When I came to, I crawled in bed and slept for what felt like hours, but the boys were still in the kitchen when I woke up.  It had only been twenty minutes, and I litterally felt fine!  I wondered if I maybe had an ovarian cyst rupture or something.  I couldn't imagine what else it could be!  So, I guessed that was a good start to finding what was wrong with me all the way around.  I called the next day to get in to see a doctor.  I had to go to a family practice first to get the referral to see a fertility specialist anyway.  My appointment was three weeks away.  
When my appointment was approaching, I realized I should be starting my period any day.  I was already starting to feel bloated and crampy and uncomfortable.   I called the doctors office to let them know I would more than likely be on my period, and would they want to reschedule me, but they assured me it was fine.  Ew, but whatever.
Dr. Pamela Trantham was a middle aged woman and very thorough.  I was so glad for that.  She spent almost an hour asking me about my medical history.  I explained all the procedures and everything we had been through to have a baby, and that I would like a referral to see a fertility specialist because we are considering treatment to try to have a baby again.  I also explained the pain I had in my abdomen a few weeks prior and wondered if it could be a ruptured cyst.  After doing the pelvic exam she wanted to make sure she covered all of her bases before sending me to the specialist, so she had me go to the xray center to have an ultrasound done, mostly to out rule a cyst or anything that might be wrong, and if there is they would call and let me know.  I have been through enough ultrasounds to know that when the tech continues to wand over a certain area that has a white bubble on it, I know there must be something there!  So she sweetly tells me that she is going to send me back to the Dr.'s office because they may want to run a few more tests on me.  My immediate thoughts... "Oh great!  I have cancer!  How am I going to tell Bart after all the hope and prayer he has invested in us having a baby?!"  Nervously I went back to the office, they didn't even make me wait, they just sent me right back to her office- not even the exam room, but her office.  "Holy Crap, maybe I should call him to come over to help me through this news!"  (he was home studying for a big mid term) Dr. Trantham came in, shut the door and told me she wanted to do some blood work before I left, but that they found either a "fluid sack" on my uterus...  me:  "a fluid sack?"  "what's in the fluid, cancer juice?"  When I looked at her she had a big smile on her face, and I looked at her and said "OR?"  It was like waiting 10 minutes for her to finally speak!  I couldn't read her emotion, surely she wasn't beaming from ear to ear to tell me I had cancer, what kind of sick doctor would do that?!  "or, it could be a PREGNANCY!!"  My jaw dropped.  "WHAT?!"  No Way!  I mean, HOW in the world could that really happen??  I mean, I know how it happens, but it hasn't ever happened like that before!  me:  "and if it's not a pregnancy?", still concerned it was going to be a cancer.  "Then it's just a fluid sack, nothing to worry about."  hmmm.  She then tried to compose herself and tried really hard to tell me not to get my hopes up because until she gets the bloodwork done we won't know for certain.  When I left, her whole staff seemed to be beaming.  What a bunch of crazies!  This was such a sureal moment.  I felt like everyone was looking at me like they were so happy for me to be pregnant, and we didn't even know for sure.  It was much different than the other clinics I've been to before when they all look at you like "ooh, don't get your hopes up, you could really be heartbroken in the end."
I had to go back to work to do a few things, and then I would go home to Bart.  But do I tell him everything or do I just wait until the doctors office calls me back with the results (that usually takes a day or two)?  I decided that he was so emotionally invested in all of this, that I would tell him everything except that they think I might be pregnant, just to save him the disappointment.  An hour hadn't even passed when I got a call... from Dr. Trantham's office.  
   *I was sitting in the office with the manager and friend Katie who had been telling me for months that because I was finally getting in to good shape teaching boot camp & crossfit classes, that I was going to get pregnant!  I just laughed at her and her ignorance to how impossible it would be for me to get pregnant on my own.  When I came in to work from the doctor's office she could read it all over my face.  I never confessed to her what had happen, but she knew it anyway. *
When I answered the phone, it was Dr. Trantham herself, not a nurse, and her voice was about 8 octaves higher than I remembered in her office.  "Misty?  This is Dr. Trantham! Your results came back and it's showing you're four weeks pregnant!!"  It was as if she was screaming with excitement to me!  "What?!"  you would think I could think of something more happy to say both times she told me it was possible, but I was in utter shock!  Both times!  "Really?!"  I couldn't even cry.  I couldn't close my mouth.  I couldn't blink!  She then told me she had already called and made an appointment with the specialist for me so we can make sure everything goes perfectly.  I thanked her for calling me back so quickly and for everything she did for me that day, hung up the phone, and turned around to see Katie smiling with tears in her eyes.  I wanted to cry for joy, but I was still trying to process.  Katie told me to go home to Bart.  BART!  How do I tell him?  Do I just blurt it out?  Do I try to think of something creative?... no, I don't have the brains for that right now!  So I went home to see him pounding away at the computer.  I went in and sat down, and he looked at me with an inquisitive look on his face... " how was the doctor's appointment, did you get a referral?"  me: "yep.  So, I'm pregnant."  I could finally smile.  He looked at me and said "I knew it!"  With tears in his eyes he grabbed and hugged me with so much joy.  He did know it.  He knew it for years.  He had so much faith that we would get pregnant on our own, and we did.  He had enough faith for it to really happen.  We both knew this was it- what The Lord wanted for us right now.  This was the moment we had been waiting for.  We were never afraid of loosing the baby because everything felt so right!  Finally, the blessing and miracle we had been waiting for!  There was no doubt in our minds that we had to wait for this little miracle.  We learned so much about ourselves individually, we grew so much both as a couple and as individuals.  What exactly were we suppose to learn, we aren't sure, but we both know we wouldn't have changed the past 12 years for anything knowing what we know now.  

I do have reason's why I believe I was able to get pregnant on my own, now that I can look back at it all.  I'm hoping to write about this as well, so don't go anywhere, this story will continue!

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