Miracles can happen! (Part one)

It's been too long since my last post, and frankly I didn't have much to write about, until I did, and then things got crazy and I didn't have the time!
Since my last blog post we moved across the country, Bart finished grad school, and... WE HAD A BABY!!!
I'm hoping to write about the whole experience the best I can, but it may take a few posts to get through it, so bare with me.  In my opinion its a petty awesome story, one I hope to be able to tell in detail for the rest of my life.
First of all, let me start by saying the heartache of infertility continued, but we gradually found ways to cope with it- both individually and as a couple.  Our desire never diminished, but our hope of becoming parents in this life was fading.  Let me also just say that our constant prayers never faltered.  We wanted to have children, but it was obvious The Lord had other plans for us, so we constantly prayed to know what our purpose in life was if not to raise a family. We prayed to know if we should adopt, do infertility treatments again, etc. and still the same stupor of thought would be the result to our prayers.  It was frustrating, but we didn't know what else to do.  This is what I intend on writing about in this post, hopefully I don's start to ramble and get off track...
As time went on our feelings about children started to go in different directions.  I placed my faith in The Lord knowing that whatever his will was for me, I would be okay.  I wanted a family, but I can and would put my energy and love in to whatever I was called to do- missionary work, service, whatever my call in this life is I wanted to do for The Lord and be happy doing it!  I was tired of being sad and letting infertility bring me down.  I started to accept the fact that we won't have children.  I started putting all of my energy in to helping the missionaries any way I could, and loving my calling as a Young Single Adult (YSA) mentor.  I was becoming content, and happy.  Bart and I were making plans/considering serving as couples mission as soon as he retired.  We were considering what and where our lives would lead us and what we wanted to do with it.  We were becoming happy again as we focussed on a new future!  However, it wasn't as easy with Bart.  It bothered him more that I was becoming so "okay" with our situation.  He knew how much I had always dreamed of being a mother.  And he was realizing what he was going to miss out on, not being a father.  He didn't express this much to me, so I didn't take his feelings in to much consideration.  As I started to expressed how good I felt more often, he started to comment more on how he felt we were suppose to have a baby of our own.  And he started praying for that specific thing again.  This was starting to frustrate me!  After twelve years of trying to have a baby- doctors, needles, medication, pain & suffering, he is still hopeful that we are suppose to have a baby on our own?!
By January 2013, he asked me to start praying and fasting every month again to know what we were suppose to do.  I felt like I had already started to turn that page, and I couldn't believe he wanted to go down this path again.  But to my dismay, I wanted to be a support system for him for when he finally could receive the answer (I felt like I had already) that he needed, so I agreed.  The next month I had to take a trip back home due to a death in the family.  My Aunt and mom came to get me from the airport & we went to a friend of their's home to have dinner before drove another hour to get home.  I had met this older couple a few times, but I never knew them well.  As we were getting up to leave, I blurted out and asked the sweet man if he would give me a priesthood blessing.  We were all shocked by the request!  I didn't know why I did that!  He sweetly asked me what I need a blessing for and the only thing I could think of was the difference in feelings that Bart and I had about having a baby.   Due to the sacred nature of this blessing to me personally, I don't feel its appropriate to share, but I can say this blessing was one of the most spiritually powerful experiences of my life.  He never told me I would or would not have children, but I felt like I was on the path I needed to be on.  When I returned home I told Bart about this blessing and that I still didn't have any feelings that we would have children in this life, and that maybe he needed to start praying for that comfort from The Lord.  He didn't take that as well as I had expected.  In fact, for the next few months we fought about it when the subject came up. I hate fighting, so I re-evaluated the situation and I realized I was being selfish.  Bart was always so supportive of me and so considerate of my feelings, I didn't want to add to his pain and frustration.  So, we decided to start praying about doing IVF again.  I mostly waited for him to comment or tell me his feelings, since I already knew mine.  Another month went by and we were sitting in church watching the cute two and four year old distractions in front of us when Bart turned to me and said "I could love someone else's child if I knew he was suppose to be mine".  That was the first time Bart had ever said anything positive about adoption.  I knew this was a game changer, and it was going to get serious.
After Bart expressed a few times that he would be willing to consider adoption if The Lord prompted us to, I realized I needed to start really praying for the same things he was.  Not for him to receive the answers he needed, but for us both to receive THE answer from The Lord.  It didn't happen right away like we always hope it would.
In July I flew back home, again, for a wedding this time.  My feelings really hadn't changed at this point.  I was still okay with not having children of my own, knowing there had to be another purpose for me in this life.  I had read a few talks by Sheri Dew and a few other women of the church who weren't given the opportunity to be mother's, and I felt comforted and encouraged to do the Lord's will.  However, this particular trip home being surrounded by all of my family, and watching the kiddos play in the yard made me realize, the next generation, my nieces and nephews, are getting married and will soon have their own children!  I realized that I wouldn't get to enjoy watching my kids grow up.  I wouldn't get to see them play and have fun with their cousins, or grandma & grandpa.  It was just always going to be only Bart and I.  My heart felt empty.  Again.  Tears welled up and wouldn't stop flowing the whole time I was there.  I wanted so much to experience the joy of parenthood! I didn't just want to be the fun aunt any more, I wanted to be a mommy.
... To BeContinued